Broken. I was broken.
At 12 am on my birthday, I left a friends house to figure out what I was going to do. That night I had left my husband and family, determined to get a divorce. I was done. I couldn’t do it anymore. I.was.broken.
The next morning, after a sleepless night, I took myself to the clinic, in a last desperate attempt for help. You see, I had been battling with depression, anxiety and PMDD for about ten years. I’d been to the doctor several times. Unfortunately, my doctors kept leaving town, leaving me with no one with whom I had an established relationship. But I needed help. I went. I received no more answers than I had previously had.
What was wrong with me? Sure it’s PMDD. But really? What else can I do besides this anti-depressant? Diet and exercise had helped keep the physical symptoms at bay (the burning chest from anxiety, the intense jaw pain, the headaches). But the emotional and mental was continuing to increase.
I couldn’t do it anymore.
A few times, I was so depressed I considered suicide. Wow. That’s deep. That’s hard to say. But it’s true.
I felt I had no worth. No value. I had a family there who loved me and supported me. But I just wanted to chase them away and destroy myself, and them. Anything to just be by myself. Anything.
That birthday morning, I left the clinic. I had no more answers than when I went in. I demanded another round of blood work to make sure that nothing was wrong with my thyroid, blood sugar or various other things. Then I waited for the results.
Later that afternoon my husband met me at a counselors. I honestly don’t remember what we did or said. I don’t remember what progress was made. I was deep. My brain wasn’t working. I still wanted to be by myself.
Three days later I went to see a nautropath. I’d heard she had a good reputation for helping women with hormone problems. I figured there wasn’t anything to lose. The western medicine doctors had left me no farther ahead. I met with her and she drew additional blood to run more detailed tests of what I had demanded the clinic do. She tested me for micro-nutrients, amino acids, a hormone panel as well as other things.
What did I have to lose. Nothing. I was at bottom. PMDD couldn’t take me lower.
That was 5 1/2 months ago. After waiting about six weeks for all test results and a treatment plan, I’m about 4 months into a completely different life.
Immediately after seeing the nautropath, I took a completely different approach. I had already taken things into my own hands and started experimenting with my diet to see if I could find any relief. After speaking to the nautropath, I left believing there was hope. Hope beyond just an anti-depressant. Hope. I took my food experimenting to a completely new level.
My life is drastically different now than 6 months ago. Am I completely healed? Absolutely not. But I have hope. I can function again as a human. I still have my family and I still have my life!
This blog is about my journey. The journey I am still living. I plan to share what I’ve been through. What I’ve learned to do. What I’ve learned to not do. It seems to me that there are limited resources out there about PMDD, especially those taking a different approach. My goal is to be an encouragement to others who struggle with this horrible thing called PMDD. I’ve learned that those who haven’t experienced it have no idea how horrible it is.
If you’re here, it’s because you or someone you know has hit bottom. What do you have to lose? If you’re like me, nothing. You were already at the bottom.
I believe there is hope. Let’s walk this journey together. Don’t give up, my friend. You are worth it.
xo Lily Anne
hopeforpmdd 